Thinking and Such

Sometimes, most of the time, I go through several topics for my blog EVERY DAY! I sit there for a while, figure out a general flow, and change my mind a few hours later. Monday was no different. I am not sure why I decided not to write then, but that is what I did. I went to the funeral of a family friend, Leroy. Now, I didn't know him too well, but what I remember of him was wonderful! Smiling! After his funeral I was thinking about mine. His was nice, but my favorite part was the military honors. It always touches me.

Then later I was thinking about something else , which I can't remember, and then I thought about how often I changed my subject any given day. I am sorry I fail to write most of them, I am not even sure why that is! Lazy? Private? Your guess is as good as mine.

A great friend of mine and his wife have been sent over to Iraq. They have children. I think of them a lot. It is his second time there. *hugs* to Jose and Erin.

I have not started my antibiotics, I have been waiting on my insurance card. Finally got it! So tonight mom can take me to get medicine! And I have a little assistance coming! I have a few irons in the fire, but I am not sure how they will pan out. There are programs out there, but it is almost like the people who have been told about them and given the task of overseeing them don't want to tell anyone about them. I am TRYING to get assistance for mom and Dan being my caregivers. They charge me rent because they have to, and I can't pay more than I do... but they need more than I give! There HAS to be something. But no one understands that I don't want to move out. They assume when I ask about housing assistance, I want my own place. Grrr... I am also TRYING to get assistance for them monetarily. They clean after me, they feed me, they cook for me, they provide everything for me! They need to be paid for it! There has to be a way. I found some information, but not a lot... and not promising. It sends me back to the Department of Human Services. Grrr again...

So I am working at things, but it is all very disheartening. A lot of running around and misunderstandings and such and you begin to grow weary of the next call.

Antibiotics

I learned today that there are no oral antibiotics in existence that I can take without a negative side effect. I am so sensitive that who few that I can take (limited because of my medications and allergies) are too hard on me to take. I went in today because I had some drainage at my site. The doctor thinks that it is because of the steroid cream and the allergic reaction last week. Yay! She put me on an antibiotic just to be safe (where there is drainage, there is an increased risk of infection) and I have to go with one that makes me sick.

Something substantial

So the other week, mom and I were reading something we got from my lupus mailings. It was about depression. Had some signs of depression, and some ways to combat depression. (Not surprising, most of the suggested depression breakers involve other people!) I poo-pooed the article at first. Yes, I know the symptoms of depression. Yes, I know how to fight it. Yes, I am depressed. But it didn't hit me until tonight... I am DEPRESSED!

I try to fight it, and most days I put on a good face. But a few things have happened recently and will happen in the near future that PROFOUNDLY effect me.
The first and most obvious is the recent fight to keep insurance. Now you may think to yourself.. well that isn't so big. But it is, IF I lose it, I lose a great deal! I instantly cannot afford to live (not that I can now, but it is worse.)! I can't afford to go to the doctor to talk about possible alternatives to drugs. I can't afford those alternatives even if I could talk to someone. I can't afford my rent, my next trip to Denver, my food, I literally can't afford to live. That makes me lose the will to fight. You may ask why. Here is the answer. I have been a strong person, and until PH a VERY independent person. Already have lost that independence to a major degree. Take away what little I CAN do, and I am lost.
Second, I always have money issues. I am always deciding how far in debt I should go. Can I afford to develop these pictures, watch this movie, get this sweet treat, and anything else involving my green. Logic tells me that I can't afford anything. But my heart says I have to try. My heart wins a lot of the time, but then comes the stress of figuring out how to pay for things myself. I have many things I want to do, but no means to do them. The extra frustrating part to me is that I can't change that! I can't work more, or get a better job, or move to a new place. I CAN'T FIX THIS!
The third thing is in a few day, but stresses me now. We are putting Blue to sleep. You may think no big deal, but it is huge! I am facing my mortality vicariously. Deciding on whether or not it is time to put him down is facing when I decide to give up. You will say that I NEVER give up. Really? Never? I don't want to suffer, and I do plenty. I will someday give in. Not to mention that he is my dog! He slept at the foot of MY bed! He followed ME everywhere! He loved ME! I have the agony of feeling like this will be a let down to him. Does he feel we have given up? Or does he know we love him and don't want him to suffer. What would he choose. Would he want to fall over every day, hurt every day just so he can be here? What are HIS wishes. Or is he irritated that we haven't helped him yet? Is it a relief that we are taking this choice from him or is it heartbreaking?

I have come to the realization of just how bad I am because I am a bitch. Often times I am irritated, cranky. I don't want to do anything in particular, yet when I want to do something, I am mad if I can't. I get so angry when I have to wait. And give up easily. If I get irritated, I give up. I also cry a lot. At first I thought, not a lot. But I never used to cry. I cry every day now!

Honestly I am so completely overwhelmed! I have no clear view of my future! I don't know how to fix any of this! And no matter what I do, someone is going to hurt. I HATE living off of others. I feel like a leech. You will tell me not to feel that way, that I have no choice, but that DOESN'T change how I feel. I feel like my life is burying me alive.

Finally!

Yesterday I found out that I have insurance again!! Yay!!!! Stupid people!
Yesterday, I have also been itching still!! The irritation around my site has caused scabbing and bleeding. I am concerned that I am not going to come out of this bout of itching without an intolerance to any tape. In other words, I think I am definitely developing an allergy to all tapes and all dressings. Last night I had almost the same itching under the primapore!

Not much new.

Still no call from insurance. I called Monday and she said she would call by Wednesday. So I will be calling as soon as I am done here.

I have been itching like mad!! I got a huge rash the other day (Monday) and had to go in to the doctor, and I am officially allergic to my dressings!! Not such a big deal yet, I just have to change which dressing cover I use. When I become allergic (yes when, not if) it will become a problem.

Other than that nothing new really going on. I get to house sit for a friend! That will be fun!! otherwise I have been a pretty boring girl! But I forgot! I have decided that I want to throw a party next year in January to celebrate outliving my expectation without medicine! I wanted to see if I could get a Charmed City Cakes cake, but they are a MINIMUM $1000!! And they don't deliver more than 3 hours from Baltimore. Damn.

Broken

I am absolutely crushed. I November I called my insurance company for some reason, and got lost in the automated system. Through that I learned that as of Jan 1 of 2010, insurance would be through a new company. So I decided to stay lost and talk to this new company. When I got to a person, they said that I was not in their system yet, but not to worry, they were still getting everything together. I thought , "ok". I went back to the other insurance company to ask whatever question I had and to check that everything was ok on that end. And everything was fine. I didn't think about it again until New Year's Day. So I called again on Jan 4th. Still I am not in the system. According to the new company my insurance was canceled in August of 2009, BUT IT WASN'T!! So the lady, Melinda, was supposed to check with people, and call me back. No call today, so I called again. Same story, still not covered. I got to call several times and speak to several people, and no one know what is going on. So I call the old company again. On their end everything is perfect, that I should have been covered. They send me BACK to the new company. Still baffled, they tell me the same thing. "we will have to look into this and call you back next week."

I am in tears, truly frustrated! WHY?!?! Why does it have to be so god damned hard to keep insurance?!? I am innocent this time, and I STILL have problems!! Mom and Dan tell me, and I agree whole heartedly, that if you have to fight too hard for things, maybe it isn't meant to be. So what does that mean with this? Am I not meant to have insurance? Is this medication not right for me? Am I missing something completely?!? I can tell you one thing. I am done fighting with people. This is fucking ridiculous! What a great start to this year. If it gets worse I give up.