Cry Me a River

I have been in a weird mood for a few days now, and I am not exactly sure why.

On Saturday, I found out that my cousin that has terminal cancer was close to the end. I didn't think it bothered me. But I wanted to see him. I felt a need to. I wasn't able to and Yesterday morning he passed away. I am not sure how old he was, like between 35 and 39 I think. Anyways, too young. It hit close to home.

I couldn't help but think that soon that will be me. I really do try hard not to dwell on this fact. I mean, everyone is going to die. But most people get the pleasure of not having to think about it because it is YEARS down the road... or just an inevitable something that they don't have to deal with yet. And I know that I will be here long enough that things can be developed that will save my life. I have to be realistic, and I think those around me who care about me have to as well. It is unlikely that a drug will be developed to make this go away... and I don't want to live forever with this.

And then on top of it all I was focusing on everything I can't do that I want to do. There is a lot that I would like to do. I can drive (yay!!!) but sometimes I still feel that I am locked away in my room. I was talking with my friend, Ryan, today. And I would love to go to Glenwood Springs, or Ouray and just walk around. Spend a leisurely day enjoying summer. Or hike Devil's Kitchen Trail, I have never done that. Go horse back riding (that is actually a lot of work) anywhere. Go camping! Rafting! Just be able to be a 25 year old girl with no cares, just enjoying the state she is in. But those are the things I can't do. And I know it isn't healthy to dwell on that, but rather I need to focus on what I can do. But I want to see you try to do that all of the time.

I do realize just how lucky I am. I have the best family in the world. And that is not just my relatives. It is all those people I have that love me, and are there for me. The ones reading this and the ones that would if they could. I know how great it all is. I know how lucky I am to have the doctors that I do, to have the insurance I do, and to be in the position I am in. But sometimes... I wish I could just be a stupid, young adult. Make those mistakes I am supposed to be making. (get a tattoo!!) I guess maybe my next life is when I will get to do all of that.

Here's hoping!!