Mom told me the other day that I have to be strong for Tori, Bella, and Eme. And I know it. I do try. But I am so tired. I am tired of everything. I don't want to do this any more. I have such heartburn, and I can't breathe, and I hurt, and I itch, and I don't want to do anything. I just want to sleep! I barely have the energy to do one thing each day. When Eme is around I find the ability to do whatever else, or for Tori and Bella. How long is that going to last?
And I am tired of false hope. First is was, "you have lupus, but you will be able to live a normal life." Then came, "you will still be able to do most things." Then it was "you have a deadly disease, but here is a treatment that will make everything bearable." It doesn't. I don't have a normal life, and I don't get to do most things, and this isn't bearable.
I love snuggling with my mom on the couch. That is the most exciting part of my life now. That and watching NCIS.
I hate people telling me, "God never gives you more than you can handle." That is crap. That is a cop-out. And this doesn't bring me closer to "him". In fact this whole thing has taken me further from "him" than anything else has. Did you know that I believe in reincarnation, and I am polytheistic? I did nothing evil enough, or bad enough to deserve this. But I get it.
And you know what? I am ready. I am done. I have cried a few times this week, and I have remembered, and thought. And I have reached the point where it would be ok. I just need you to know, and understand and be accepting, and not be mad at me when the time comes. I am not giving up. Saying it is ok is not weak. It is strong, hard, and right.
But do you know what HAS happened because of this, I mean other than all of the terrible things I could list and mention? I am a lot closer to my friends and family than anyone else I know. I have the single best mother in the world. The best parents, grandparents, teachers. I know that I am truly loved, truly cherished. So I can be at peace, with everyone in my heart.
It takes strength to accept what you've realised, I'm glad you have who you have in your life to help, and while we may both be enjoying a milkshake on a cloud watching the tomestone saints or invader zim someday soon, I'll always be here as a ground for you if you need one. Moony
ReplyDeleteSweetheart you are a true angel and your right, you don't deseve to have this and I firmly beleave no one does or should ever have this black flag over them. You are a great person and have stood tall through all of this, sticking with your guns. I respect you more than you will ever know and would love to take your place. I hope you will always be true to yourself. Lucky I am, to have you as a duaghter. Choice is all yours as to what you beleave and how you affect others. You make me proud to be your father and you never stop teaching me about humanity. I wish you peace but well knowing the "gun fighter in you", your sure to go out with your guns blazzing. Rolland would be honored to be your side partner, Hell I am, this is for sure. I will always love you and will honer your name! Love Dad
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