Something substantial

So the other week, mom and I were reading something we got from my lupus mailings. It was about depression. Had some signs of depression, and some ways to combat depression. (Not surprising, most of the suggested depression breakers involve other people!) I poo-pooed the article at first. Yes, I know the symptoms of depression. Yes, I know how to fight it. Yes, I am depressed. But it didn't hit me until tonight... I am DEPRESSED!

I try to fight it, and most days I put on a good face. But a few things have happened recently and will happen in the near future that PROFOUNDLY effect me.
The first and most obvious is the recent fight to keep insurance. Now you may think to yourself.. well that isn't so big. But it is, IF I lose it, I lose a great deal! I instantly cannot afford to live (not that I can now, but it is worse.)! I can't afford to go to the doctor to talk about possible alternatives to drugs. I can't afford those alternatives even if I could talk to someone. I can't afford my rent, my next trip to Denver, my food, I literally can't afford to live. That makes me lose the will to fight. You may ask why. Here is the answer. I have been a strong person, and until PH a VERY independent person. Already have lost that independence to a major degree. Take away what little I CAN do, and I am lost.
Second, I always have money issues. I am always deciding how far in debt I should go. Can I afford to develop these pictures, watch this movie, get this sweet treat, and anything else involving my green. Logic tells me that I can't afford anything. But my heart says I have to try. My heart wins a lot of the time, but then comes the stress of figuring out how to pay for things myself. I have many things I want to do, but no means to do them. The extra frustrating part to me is that I can't change that! I can't work more, or get a better job, or move to a new place. I CAN'T FIX THIS!
The third thing is in a few day, but stresses me now. We are putting Blue to sleep. You may think no big deal, but it is huge! I am facing my mortality vicariously. Deciding on whether or not it is time to put him down is facing when I decide to give up. You will say that I NEVER give up. Really? Never? I don't want to suffer, and I do plenty. I will someday give in. Not to mention that he is my dog! He slept at the foot of MY bed! He followed ME everywhere! He loved ME! I have the agony of feeling like this will be a let down to him. Does he feel we have given up? Or does he know we love him and don't want him to suffer. What would he choose. Would he want to fall over every day, hurt every day just so he can be here? What are HIS wishes. Or is he irritated that we haven't helped him yet? Is it a relief that we are taking this choice from him or is it heartbreaking?

I have come to the realization of just how bad I am because I am a bitch. Often times I am irritated, cranky. I don't want to do anything in particular, yet when I want to do something, I am mad if I can't. I get so angry when I have to wait. And give up easily. If I get irritated, I give up. I also cry a lot. At first I thought, not a lot. But I never used to cry. I cry every day now!

Honestly I am so completely overwhelmed! I have no clear view of my future! I don't know how to fix any of this! And no matter what I do, someone is going to hurt. I HATE living off of others. I feel like a leech. You will tell me not to feel that way, that I have no choice, but that DOESN'T change how I feel. I feel like my life is burying me alive.