Big Loss, and Gain.

Grandma passed away at 131pm this afternoon. In the night she was almost lost twice, but held on. They had to pack ice around her because she was running a high fever, and her kidneys quit working in the early morning. She was sedated for the whole thing, so she was comfortable. Her mind never deteriorated to where she didn't know us, and it wasn't her Alzheimer's that took her. It was fast. My aunt from Texas was able to get here at about 1230pm. My uncle from Virginia will be here tomorrow evening, and my sister from Alaska will be here Saturday evening.

Today was a long and hard day for me. I am so tired. I have told my lupus that it is on hold for the next few days, that my mom needs me. I hope it listens... sometimes it does! Mom is ok. I mean, she just lost her mom, she is emotional and needs love and support, but that is to be expected. She is strong for her dad, and sisters. But then she melts when she comes home. I am doing my best to cry when I need to and deal as it comes so she can lean on me when she needs it. My grandpa is the one I am worried about. He just lost the love of his life. He is doing ok. Very upset about some of the decisions that he has made... like not taking Grandma to Texas or Virginia. But we try to let him know that he did right, that we support him, and we wouldn't change anything he has done. He has been a wonderful caretaker. It is a hard job. Hard on both of them. I just hope he takes the time now to be himself, not a caretaker... you know? I hope he can, after he grieves of course, be glad with what he can do. He can visit family, and go camping again. Daddy said that it is going to be hard, he is going to go from that feeling of being needed all the time to not being needed at all. I need him. I am going to do my best to do something with him every week. Go garden with him, or get lunch. I still need to get out of the house, and he will too. I think that would be nice for both of us.

It is bedtime now. Oh yes... about me. I went up today to 28ng. And I am doing well. I had some trouble breathing last night when I went to bed, so I wanted to see if going up would help.. if that is a good indicator of when I need to go up! So I will let you know. I also have sent off all the paperwork needed to start receiving disability (YAY!!!) and guess what?!?!?!?!?!?! It is going back to December of 2006!!!!! What this means... I don't have to wait to get medicaid! Now I am not sure if the medicaid will go into effect retroactivly (meaning it will help cover everything from Dec 2008 to now) or not. even if not it is ok! I don't haveto wait 2 years to get it!! I am going to keep my COBRA because the coverage is soooo good and I have assistance with it. I do have to start learning what medicaid covers and all that and learn about supplimental insurance. This also means that I will be getting back pay at the rate of $908 for sure starting when I stopped working in December! I am not sure, but I think it pays the difference of what I earned to that amount from being considered disabled onward, so the months I didn't make that amount because of health, and what not.. I believe I get paid the difference! I am not sure, and I am not holding my breath. But either way I get to start paying bills!! I never thought I would be happy for that.

And lastly, today is my niece Annabelle's first birthday. I am glad she is too young to know what has happened on her birthday.

I told mom, and some may be mad I am thinking this way.. but this helps me, Now I have one more angel to help me when it is my turn. I couldn't have better angels.